Away

I look forward to sleep.

Sometimes I dream, and

you are there.

And then

I realize,

Here's the reality of my life

I've come to hate.

Careless whispers heated

the coldness of my smile.

Once upon a time,

Long sexy strokes of

confidence colored my

skin,

Because then,

You were there.

I don't know if I'll ever

forget

How you made everything

to me

Seem complete.

You were the passion

underneath the harshness

of those tidal waves.

They used to sink me and

drown me.

And then,

You gave your breath to

me,

And then

I tasted the sweet flavor of

life.

Now, I need to break the

intricate web,

You have woven around

me.

Safety cradles me like a soft

lullaby.

But then,

That was the only song I

wanted to hear.

And then, you threw it

away.

Bittersweet sensations,

Lingered like an unwanted

scar.

You hid me far away from

the painful truth,

And then

You tossed your heart high

into the nighttime sky.

Far enough,

I cried because I couldn't

see it.

Now,

I look forward to sleep.

I can dream,

When you were there.

But like love insatiable,

You remain where

memories call like haunting

winds.

The Sigh

A short breath escapes from my lips

a millisecond calm ensues until the reason for the sigh returns,

The sigh escapes, and flies from my life, 

...trembles in the air, vibrates on the sky line,

filling a void with sadness, mixing with the rain to chill it and me, 

straight to the bone.

This sigh returns and engulfs me,

colder than when it left,

filling an empty heart with its cold, 

freezing my brain and rendering me hopeless,

weak, tired, with no energy to smile,

no energy to write,

this sigh has changed me.

Trembling, wistful, nostalgic,

this sigh carries all these,

it seems as if when the sigh escaped,

it traveled all over the world,

to the depths of Hades where despair reigns,

and brought it all back to me,

giving hell brief reprieve and I like Hercules, 

holding the world's despair on my shoulders,

this sigh makes my heart heavy.

This is the sigh that escaped when I saw the love fade from your eyes.

Ready to love

I'm ready.

To love you.
To accept you.
To know you.
To hold you.
To  be with you, are you as with me,

Im ready.

For you.

Yours...

Could be day 5 without a word from you.

But Im fine. Had a great title for this but the alcohol took it away from me. But I sort of got the gist. So here goes.

Without a doubt

I am yours,
With no doubt.
Ahead of time,
And into the space I say this,
But you are mine and I am yours
In and without time.

I know not who you are,
Or where youre from.

What I know is that this love,
This love that burns eons old.
Burns for you.

So wherever you are,
Whoever you are.
Whenever you are ready.
To experience a love that will drown you,
Into mine being that you are mine And i am yours..
I wil wait.

Above all, a great love waits for you.

And I, beyond the veil..

Wait for you.
My lifetime love

Cold Turkey

I emptied my heart for you so that you could fill it with your being and love. You didn't.

At times we are there for people so much that it becomes a thing. But who's there for us?

I hate these dangerous thoughts.

I'm not at liberty to stop and examine my feelings. They will drown me.

I have no business being anywhere without you.

You infected me like a virus. The worst there is. And I need to rid myself of you. I need to wean myself of you. And I've tried, Lord knows I have tried.

So cold turkey it is.

I will not think of you, even as I think of you.
I will not dream of you, even as you haunt my dreams.
I will not speak of you, even though your name escapes with every breath I let escape from these lips...that you loved to kiss...

"...I'm giving it my all..but I am not the guy you're taking home.'

Goodbye and Good night.... You enthralling being.

The hardest bit

I think the hardest part of all of this is distancing myself from you.
Every place that we ever went together, whatever song that played when I was with you (Sauti Sol will never sound the same)...every single thing that we talked about, and we talked a lot... Reminds me of you.
So I find myself wishing and praying that you were here to share it with me.
And it sucks, because you aren't.

Its the hardest part, experiencing life and all it brings without you here for me to tell, or to share...

But that's how life is.

I guess.

Open up/Not an Emptier

I don't have much time to write these days, hardly have time for anything really, but I read something last night that resonated with the way I have always approached matters of the heart and of life. Enjoy.

"I am not an emptier.
I can't put something down
to pick something else up.
I don't unlove someone
 to love someone else.
They pile in my heart,
one on top of the other
until I can't tell them apart,
Old loves are a bottomless
well of ink in my chest,
And I dip my fingers in often.
If you have ever known my love,
it still exists here.
This is my gift and
my curse, my burden.
My ache, my fuel."

-Kat Savage

I understand this could be misconstrued to mean that I will always love those I have loved before, which in a way is true and then also not. I am not an emptier, once it is there, it is there for a while! I carry lessons learnt, mistakes made and hopes unfulfilled for a long time. While I keep on hoping for the kind of peace that comes with letting go, it is becoming truer each day that I am not built like that. Everything fades after a while but that is point isn't it? That we try to leave marks on the lives of others that remain even long after we have left them. So how are we expected t just let certain feelings go...certain people go, even after they have left us. One option is shutting down, but I again, I am not built like that. I did it once, shutting down, but after I opened myself just a little, I saw how beautiful and treacherous life and love can be. But if you close yourself up, are you truly living?

I have made a choice to live, to love, to laugh, to hurt, to feel pain...because that is the true beauty of life. That you will feel pain, but you will also feel everything beautiful and in between.

Aya...done for now. Time to be a good civil servant.