Open up/Not an Emptier

I don't have much time to write these days, hardly have time for anything really, but I read something last night that resonated with the way I have always approached matters of the heart and of life. Enjoy.

"I am not an emptier.
I can't put something down
to pick something else up.
I don't unlove someone
 to love someone else.
They pile in my heart,
one on top of the other
until I can't tell them apart,
Old loves are a bottomless
well of ink in my chest,
And I dip my fingers in often.
If you have ever known my love,
it still exists here.
This is my gift and
my curse, my burden.
My ache, my fuel."

-Kat Savage

I understand this could be misconstrued to mean that I will always love those I have loved before, which in a way is true and then also not. I am not an emptier, once it is there, it is there for a while! I carry lessons learnt, mistakes made and hopes unfulfilled for a long time. While I keep on hoping for the kind of peace that comes with letting go, it is becoming truer each day that I am not built like that. Everything fades after a while but that is point isn't it? That we try to leave marks on the lives of others that remain even long after we have left them. So how are we expected t just let certain feelings go...certain people go, even after they have left us. One option is shutting down, but I again, I am not built like that. I did it once, shutting down, but after I opened myself just a little, I saw how beautiful and treacherous life and love can be. But if you close yourself up, are you truly living?

I have made a choice to live, to love, to laugh, to hurt, to feel pain...because that is the true beauty of life. That you will feel pain, but you will also feel everything beautiful and in between.

Aya...done for now. Time to be a good civil servant.