Ready to love

I'm ready.

To love you.
To accept you.
To know you.
To hold you.
To  be with you, are you as with me,

Im ready.

For you.

Yours...

Could be day 5 without a word from you.

But Im fine. Had a great title for this but the alcohol took it away from me. But I sort of got the gist. So here goes.

Without a doubt

I am yours,
With no doubt.
Ahead of time,
And into the space I say this,
But you are mine and I am yours
In and without time.

I know not who you are,
Or where youre from.

What I know is that this love,
This love that burns eons old.
Burns for you.

So wherever you are,
Whoever you are.
Whenever you are ready.
To experience a love that will drown you,
Into mine being that you are mine And i am yours..
I wil wait.

Above all, a great love waits for you.

And I, beyond the veil..

Wait for you.
My lifetime love

Cold Turkey

I emptied my heart for you so that you could fill it with your being and love. You didn't.

At times we are there for people so much that it becomes a thing. But who's there for us?

I hate these dangerous thoughts.

I'm not at liberty to stop and examine my feelings. They will drown me.

I have no business being anywhere without you.

You infected me like a virus. The worst there is. And I need to rid myself of you. I need to wean myself of you. And I've tried, Lord knows I have tried.

So cold turkey it is.

I will not think of you, even as I think of you.
I will not dream of you, even as you haunt my dreams.
I will not speak of you, even though your name escapes with every breath I let escape from these lips...that you loved to kiss...

"...I'm giving it my all..but I am not the guy you're taking home.'

Goodbye and Good night.... You enthralling being.

The hardest bit

I think the hardest part of all of this is distancing myself from you.
Every place that we ever went together, whatever song that played when I was with you (Sauti Sol will never sound the same)...every single thing that we talked about, and we talked a lot... Reminds me of you.
So I find myself wishing and praying that you were here to share it with me.
And it sucks, because you aren't.

Its the hardest part, experiencing life and all it brings without you here for me to tell, or to share...

But that's how life is.

I guess.

Open up/Not an Emptier

I don't have much time to write these days, hardly have time for anything really, but I read something last night that resonated with the way I have always approached matters of the heart and of life. Enjoy.

"I am not an emptier.
I can't put something down
to pick something else up.
I don't unlove someone
 to love someone else.
They pile in my heart,
one on top of the other
until I can't tell them apart,
Old loves are a bottomless
well of ink in my chest,
And I dip my fingers in often.
If you have ever known my love,
it still exists here.
This is my gift and
my curse, my burden.
My ache, my fuel."

-Kat Savage

I understand this could be misconstrued to mean that I will always love those I have loved before, which in a way is true and then also not. I am not an emptier, once it is there, it is there for a while! I carry lessons learnt, mistakes made and hopes unfulfilled for a long time. While I keep on hoping for the kind of peace that comes with letting go, it is becoming truer each day that I am not built like that. Everything fades after a while but that is point isn't it? That we try to leave marks on the lives of others that remain even long after we have left them. So how are we expected t just let certain feelings go...certain people go, even after they have left us. One option is shutting down, but I again, I am not built like that. I did it once, shutting down, but after I opened myself just a little, I saw how beautiful and treacherous life and love can be. But if you close yourself up, are you truly living?

I have made a choice to live, to love, to laugh, to hurt, to feel pain...because that is the true beauty of life. That you will feel pain, but you will also feel everything beautiful and in between.

Aya...done for now. Time to be a good civil servant.

IN ALL THE WAYS I'D LOVE YOU.

In all the ways I'd love you.

In all the ways I'd love you,
I choose to love you so.

I'd never make you a meal. I'd make you a feast. I'd make sure that every morsel is down to your taste, I'd spend my all slaving in the kitchen so you could remember every single meal I'd cook. I'd ruin food for you. So bad that you could never have another meal without wishing I'd made it for you.

In all the ways I'd love you.
I choose to love you so.

I'd never dance with you. I would glide and grind you over the dance floor until our bodies melted with every single note in that song. I'm sorry, but I would ruin music for you. So bad that you could never listen to a single song without wishing you were dancing to it with me.

In all the ways I'd love you.
I choose to love you so.

I'd never kiss you. I would pour my soul into you every time our lips met. Blow your mind with my passion as our tounges do the dance. I'd leave you shaking after just one kiss. I'd ruin kissing for you. So bad. That the only person you'd ever want to kiss would be me.

In all the ways I'd love you.
I'd choose to love you so.

I'd never make love to you. I would make you explode with passion every single time. I would learn and learn the way by our body moves so mine can move in tandem. I would make my body yours and yours mine. I would explore you with the abandonment of a sailor too long at sea...and I would not not stop till you are spent...in every single way. I would ruin sex for you. So bad that you could never look at sex the same way ever...again.

In all the ways I'd love you.
I choose to love you so.

I'd never laugh with you. I would find the funniest, silliest instances in every day life that would have rolling in the floor in mirth and tears until it hurts. I'd ruin laughing for you. So bad that you will wonder how you ever laughed without me.

In all the ways I could love you,
I choose to love you so.

I'd never take care of you. I would protect you. I would adore you. "You are not a piece of art to be admired. You are a goddess, meant to be protected and worshipped.". I would be there to make sure no harm comes to you. Even though I know you can take care of yourself, I would offer my sword, my life, my heart to make sure you would never lack. I would destroy life for you. Make every single experience one for the books. But I wouldn't just do those things for you, I would do these things with you.
You are a goddess after all and can fight your own fight. But I will be there every step of the way. I'd be there so hard, so bad. So bad that you could never do anything without wishing I was there to do it with you.

In all the ways I could love you,
I choose to love you with everything inside me. Love you so bad, that you will be left wondering how you could ever love something, without loving me.

I'll remain here

I let you in. That was my first mistake.

I'm kicking myself for such a rookie move. I had promised myself that I would never allow myself to feel this way again. But that's the funny bit, I didn't plan on this. I didn't plan on falling for you...so hard so fast. It crept up on me. When did I know for real? At Iguana. When you came and sat next to me and linked your hand into mine. I knew there and then that I was fucked. I tried to stop myself but that's the nature of matters of the heart. The more I force myself not to think about you, the more I think about you.
I let you in and I'm trying to bring myself back, to lock you out until you're ready to walk through the flames of me that burn so deeply for you. The scary bit is the scenario where you may decide not to. That will break me for sure.
I do not blame you, that is for certain. The curse of intelligence and free thought is that I knew what I was doing, I made a decision to pursue you but it was not my intention to fall for you.

I'll remain here...hoping and praying that the warmth of my flame for you will draw you in.

I'll remain here...thinking about you every waking moment, wondering how you are and if you're okay.

I'll remain here...trying to forget how it felt to hold you and kiss you and feel your hands through mine as we sat at Iguana.

I'll remain here...kicking myself for letting you in and thanking you all the same for showing me that yes, I may be broken...but I'm still in there somewhere.

I'll remain here...kindling this fire for you.

I'll remain here...but not forever.

...Under a Spell

She enchants me.
I'm under the gravest of spells I am...
Enchanted.
It's not just in the way she talks,
Or laughs without a care,
Or the way she holds my hand
...the way she opens up a whole new world to me and for me,
A world where I am hers and she is mine,
If only in my mind,
If only...
The way she listens with her eyes,
And cares...
The caution she keeps guarding her being...
The way she slips her hand into mine,
Tilts her head towards me for a kiss,
And oh so gently...

I am under spell...
I find myself unsure of which way is up or down with her...
And knowing the deepest secrets of the earth all at the same time.
I feel inhibited  and free...all at once
And I don't want this enchantment to end...

I am under an enchantment.
And Good God it feels amazing!

...I want to talk to you

"I want to talk to you."

Uneasy.

That's the only way I can describe it. I read a post on 9Gag (which is highly addictive by the way!) that had one of these short inspirational quotes (crap really) that went something like, "If you miss somebody, call them." and so on and so forth.
If only it were that easy.
I find myself in a place that I forgot.
The place where you are mine and not mine (yet).
And yet I find myself here....again. And it's been a long time coming!
I want to talk to you all the time, and yet I do not want to seem needy.
I want to have your attention...and yet I feel you may grow tired of me.
I want to call you and check up on you...but I feel I may be overstepping my boundaries.
I want to know how you are...and yet I fear you may be just fine - without me.
I want to do all sorts of things for you...but then again, I ask myself why?
Why?
What is the point of me feeling this way when you aren't even mine...yet?
Logic stipulates that I should play it cool, be casual about it. (F*** Logic!!)

"I just want to switch off my phone for a day...see who's really there for me."
Why don't I do that? Because there's a slight fear that you wouldn't even notice I was gone.
I've never been overtly emotional although I've been known to wear my heart on my sleeve. But I've seen where that gets me. Not far, really.

And I think this is the magic of you.
You bring out someone in me that I was pretty sure had died a long time ago (about the same time I realised that Santa wasn't real). You make me want to be a better person...someone you could fall in love with, a kinder person, a more honest person, a more focused person.

And yet, I'm still unsure. What if you decide to stay with him? Or don't see me "in that way"?
Will the lessons you've taught me, this new man you've brought out of me, regress into what I was before? Or will they become part of me...inevitably making me a better person all round.

I want to talk to you, but it's never been that easy.
Trying to decide where stalking and checking on you diverge!
To be honest I didn't think I'd be here again, trying to calculate my next move...it's like playing chess! And chess, however mentally stimulating, is emotionally exhausting.

But oh well...rook to k4 (Isn't that something they say in chess?)

...Just musing.

But seriously though, check on me!!